If your child learns Dutch faster than you do: what will change at home?
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Many children learn Dutch more quickly than their parents. As a result, things sometimes change at home. Your child is also learning different ways of thinking, speaking and making choices. In this article, you can read about how to support your child without holding them back.
Your child is growing up with two cultures
Your child is not just learning Dutch words. Your child is also learning a different way of thinking and behaving. In the Netherlands, children learn from a young age to express their own opinions and to be independent. For example, your child might be quicker to say ‘no’, or simply state their own opinion at the dinner table. Sometimes your child might speak to you or other adults in a way that is different from what you are used to.
This is part of the new culture your child is growing up in. Your child lives between two worlds: the world of home and the world of school and friends. If you understand that, you are less likely to take it personally. And you will be able to talk about it calmly.
As a result, it may feel as though your child is changing faster than you are. This can sometimes create a distance between you.
How do you deal with your child without holding them back?
You do not want to hold your child back. You want them to develop well. Here are a few things that can help with that:
Be proud, and show it. The fact that your child learns quickly is a good thing for them and for the whole family. Do not make your child feel as though they are doing something wrong just because they learn quickly.
Do not rely on your child too much. Sometimes a child is expected to translate at every appointment, or read difficult letters, or sort out things that are really the responsibility of adults. This means the child ends up with too many adult responsibilities. That can be a lot for a child to cope with. It is fine for them to translate now and then, but let your child just be a child.
And very importantly: keep learning Dutch yourself. Your child will then see that you are doing your best too. That sets a good example, and it helps maintain a better balance between you.
As a parent, how can you support your child’s development?
You do not need to speak perfect Dutch to take part. These things will help:
Go to parent-teacher meetings at school, even if the language is difficult. Ask if an
Show an interest. Ask what your child has learnt, who they play with and what they enjoy.
Do things together: read together (including in your own language), play sport, cook, go for a walk.
Make sure you speak your own language properly at home. This is important: a strong command of your mother tongue actually helps a child to learn Dutch well too. It is not a problem; it is an advantage.
Ask for help if you do not understand the school system. The school or an organisation such as RefugeeHelp can explain how it works.
Read more about education in the Netherlands here.
At home, at school and on the street: it is a bit different everywhere
A child growing up in a new country often lives in different worlds. At home, different rules apply and a different language is often spoken to that at school. Things are different again when they are out with friends on the street. Your child learns to switch back and forth between these worlds. Sometimes it seems as though your child is a different person at home than at school.
This could be a good thing. Children who grow up across cultures often find it easy to get on with different people and cope with different situations. They can combine two languages and two cultures to form their own strong identity.
But it can also be difficult. Sometimes a child feels that they do not quite belong anywhere: not quite in the old culture, and not quite in the new one. This can make them feel restless or insecure. And because your child is adapting to the new culture more quickly than you are, it may seem as though you are living in increasingly different worlds. As a result, parent and child understand each other less well, and this can sometimes lead to a sense of distance or arguments.
What helps your child? Above all, a safe, peaceful place at home where both worlds are welcome. A few things can help with this:
Do not force your child to choose between home and the outside world. They need both.
Show an interest in all aspects of your child’s life. Ask open-ended questions, such as: “What did you do today?” or “Who was there?” Do not jump to conclusions.
Keep your own language and customs alive at home. This will give your child a solid foundation.
Take a small step into this new world yourself: learn about the school and the language. That way, your worlds will not drift too far apart.
Tips for you as a parent
Your child is growing up differently to how you did. In the Netherlands, children learn from a young age to be independent and make their own choices. Your child may sometimes have different views to you on leisure time, friends, faith or relationships. This can lead to clashes, and it may feel as though you are drifting apart. Nevertheless, you can stay in touch with your child. Here are a few things that can help:
Keep talking, even when you do not see eye to eye. The conversation itself is what keeps you connected.
Listen first, before you criticise anything. Try to understand why your child thinks or acts in a certain way.
Calmly explain what is important to you and why. Forcing the issue usually does not work.
Find things you both enjoy: food, traditions, spending time together, having a laugh.
The fact that your child is learning Dutch faster than you are is simply part of growing up in a new country. Your role is not becoming less important; it is changing. By showing an interest, doing things together and providing a safe haven at home, you are helping your child to thrive in both of the worlds they live in.